Sunday, March 20, 2011

Gun me down

I killed and ate a co-worker and I liked it.  I’ll certainly kill again, I’ve got the taste for it.  But I felt a bit guilty and confessed to a Catholic priest.  Because I’d not go to heaven else.

I’m not sure what happens from this point on.

Let’s say I’m a Catholic.  I get forgiven in confession, which is awesome, and I daresay I’ll be urged to hand myself in.  But the priest presumably won’t tip off the filth. We’ll both live our lives knowing about the increasing stack of torsos in my basement.  The main difference between me and the priest isn’t that I’m the one doing the killing, but that I’m the one who recognises it’s probably wrong.  Fortunately, the priest aids and abets me: the less guilty I feel, the more people I can kill.  Let’s say I’m protestant.  Or muslim. Or atheist. 

Presumably the catholic priests hearing my confession would not hesitate to report me to the authorities.  This would divert me from my killing, would save lives.

The clear message is that if you’re going to be a serial killer who feels the need to confess, simply be Catholic. You can’t lose.

Does any of this sound familiar?

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