Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Experience the Holy Land. In Florida.

I was told about this place by a man who also insists that the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and Casino is better than the real Paris, which might tell you something about his sense of reality. He’s the perfect model for theme park designers everywhere and he’d definitely find the Holy Land Experience better than the real Israel (although I’m told Bethlehem is almost as gaudy).

The Holy Land Experience has it all!  Take a look at the daily schedule.  That’s right, Jesus is crucified every day at noon, so you have plenty of time to have a spot of lunch first take in The Wilderness Tabernacle, where they’ve recreated the actual mobile tabernacle used in the exodus from Egypt (a journey that historians agree never took place);  do some serious, proper research in The Scriptorium; perhaps drop off your kids at The Smile of a Child Adventure Land featuring this astonishing statue, which would certainly make me smile:

and visit the four prayer gardens, all before Jesus’ triumphant resurrection at 5!  You even get a personal miracle! 

If you can’t make it to Florida, then shame on you.  You’ll miss out on the authentically reproduced Israeli holy sites, including the Bethlehem Bus Loop, the Jesus Boat, and the actual field where the angels appeared to the shepherds at Jesus’ birth.  All authentically reproduced.

But there’s no need to despair if you’re still saving up (don’t forget pastors get in free): you can get a sense of the park’s majesty and life-changing seriousness by watching the video on the front page. I want to experience love, peace and joy! 

On reflection, next time I visit Florida, I might be able to find something better to do with my time.

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